QnA with Hun Sen’s Eye

Trippin' Like a Moose. Credit: Hun Sen's Eye
Trippin’ Like a Moose. Credit: Hun Sen’s Eye

Cambodia’s Prime Minister Hun Sen may not be well known for his sense of humour, but his one remaining eye is undoubtedly funny as a clown in a box full of a scorpions. Since 2011, Hun Sen’s Eye’s Twitter feed (and later Tumblr) — poking fun at Cambodia’s opposition, riffing on his sons’ rampant libidos or joking about land-grabbingtorture  and Johnny Walker— has given some much-needed levity to the running social media commentary on Cambodian politics, society and events. After recently topping 2000 Twitter followers, the eye was good enough to answer a few quick questions via email, delving a little deeper than 140 character tweets and picture memes usually allow.

Tell me a little bit about yourself. When did you become sentient? What’s day-to-day life like for Hun Sen?

I can’t really pin a date on it. A couple of years ago I noticed that everybody and their fucking cow liked to talk about the artificial eye with whom I share a skull, and it pissed me off! Why should that eye get all the press, all the fame, all the attention? Luckily, social media was there for me, starting with MySpace. LOL MySpace. It’s the Funcinpec of social media.

My day-to-day routine is just like everybody’s, really. I wake up in bed with a couple of my mistresses, head into my solid gold bathroom to get ready for the day, get showered and scrubbed by my personal hygiene assistants, head over to the office (I roller skate to work on Fridays), and from there just rule my kingdom with an iron fist, like everybody does.

Which Bond villain do you find most inspiring?

They’re all great, but I have mad love for Ernst Stavro Blofeld — all the others fail miserably in the span of a couple hours, and Blofeld had a secret volcano rocket base. That’s a big motivation for my economic development plans for Cambodia — once we get enough capital flowing, I’ll finally be able to skim enough off the top to build a secret volcano rocket base.

Who would win in a bareknuckle deathmatch between the leader of the opposition party, Cambodia National Rescue Party president Sam Rainsy, and CNRP lawmaker Mu Sochua?

Sochua is a total badass. Once I saw her wrestle a crocodile into submission because she had the impression that it was subtly undermining her agenda for improving the lives of women and children in Cambodia (it was, but I have no idea how she figured it out). Rainsy’s no match for her. Not only does she have sheer physical power, but she’s wily.

Who would you like to see the winner go up against?

I get the impression that [CNRP vice president] Kem Sokha would benefit from a humiliating defeat. His hair is engineered to deflect just about any blow, so Sochua would have to duck down and use body blows. Submission holds would be a mistake, because he enjoys that too much, or so I hear.

Can you describe your ideal setting for such a death match?

Once the ECCC [Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts of Cambodia aka Khmer Rouge Tribunal] is finished, I plan to convert the chambers into a fight club/erotic pleasuredome, and that would be a great inaugural event.

After 28 years in power, what goals do you have left to achieve?

I don’t think I get the respect I deserve for developing our Kingdom. Do you think a beggar could even dream of begging in front of a shiny new KFC restaurant 20 ears ago? No way! When I was a child, I never would have imagined that someday everyday Cambodians would be able to make a dollar or two a day selling foreign-made trinkets to millions of toursts. So, getting respect for my accomplishments is my big goal for the next 14 years.

With who would you rather get stuck for 24 hours in a KTV (karaoke venue/brothel) , Sokha or Rainsy?

Tough one! Do you choose Sokha because you know it would be a totally off the rails 24-hour bacchanal? Or do you take Rainsy, who may have a stick up his ass, but sings like a golden angel? I have to go with Rainsy. I can have crazy orgies anytime, but good singing is harder to come by.

What’s the secret of your success?

1) Merciless, ruthless ambition 2) Willingness to debase myself to foreign powers who don’t mind propping me up. 3) Bran muffins. They keep me crazy regular, and eating them for breakfast really sets the stage for productive work days.

What would you rather have fight Rainsy: a moose-sized duck or 100 duck-sized moose?

Ducks are mean, but the moose is scientifically known to be to the craziest-ass animal in the wild kingdom. Even duck-sized, 100 crazy-ass moose would make Rainsy rethink the whole coming-back-from-exile thing.

What do you think is the most significant outcome of the CNRP’s recent three days of demonstrations protesting the allegedly fraudulent national election results?

The amount of land I was able to snatch from protesters. Mass protests are awesome land-snatching opportunities. Nobody’s home to lie down in front of the bulldozers.

What does it mean to be a patriot in Cambodia?

There are newer definitions, but I prefer the Angkor-era one: Complete obeisance to your god-king and his representatives — and also it wouldn’t hurt to send ladies up to his room a couple of times a night.

What advice would you give the CNRP?

The tiger in the cage is not embarrassed by eating ox entrails, even if the monkeys outside the cage tease him about it.

Do you think the CNRP should boycott the opening of the National Assembly?

Sure, if they want to lose their seats. All of their intimidation of ethnic Vietnamese Cambodian voters would be for naught. And I, for one, don’t think good voter intimidation should be wasted so foolishly.

What is your spirit animal?

An electrified scorpion riding on a tiger’s back. They are friends for some reason, so the scorpion doesn’t sting or electrocute the tiger.

What is your favourite method of torture?

There are three aspects of really successful torture: 1) Electricity 2) Insects/arachnids, and 3) Genitals. Mix and match or go whole hog, you can’t go wrong.

What’s the most important thing to remember when trying to hold onto power against a surging opposition after 28 years ruling a country?

No matter how it goes, I’m still incredibly rich. And I still have more seats than I did in ’98 — did you really think I wasn’t in control of things back then?

Who do you reckon will take over when you finally retire?

I’d like Hun Manet to take over, but he’s a little soft. Hun Many is showing some great strongman instincts, even if his receding hairline is a clear indicator of sexual impotence.

If you weren’t the strongman prime minister of Cambodia, what would you be?

I’d probably just be a simple rice farmer who would rule his rice field without mercy or conscience, gradually seizing control of the neighbouring rice fields until until he controlled every rice field everywhere and had a stranglehold on the rice supply, making himself ultra-rich in the process.

What’s your high score on Candy Crush?

21,860 on Level 2.

If you enjoy Hun Sen’s Eye’s Twitter feed and Tumblr you might also like to check out Rainsy’s Glasses and Bandith’s Glock.  

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